Hullo dear Sparks!
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Alright, back to writing.
This whole chapter has been irking me. I like that word—irk. I feel it accurately describes the feeling I have about how this chapter has (or has failed to) come together.
On one hand it’s nice and fast paced, with many perspective shifts, but it feels so isolated. Logan, Luke, and Misty in the manor. Does that make it boring? I can’t seem to find the thread that’s unravelling here except that it’s led to this moment. Kind of a weird climax.
I’d love anyone to tell me I’m wrong, that I’m being too hard on myself. I’ve been having trouble defining what exactly the climax of this story is. It’s had a few peaks already I suppose, nice action moments, this is sort of—not, right?
But it’s a HUGE moment for Misty. She’s finally hit rock bottom, and so there’s nowhere to go but up, right?
I don’t know. It feels a little flat. Maybe it just needs a final edit, after a bit of breathing room. I find coming back to a piece I thought was ‘done’ after a few weeks makes the problems with it glaringly obvious.
Anyway, we’re finally here, so here we go…
INDEX | Chapter 11 | Scene 1 | Scenes 2 & 3 | Scenes 4 - 6 | Scene 7 | Scenes 8 - 11 | Scene 12 | Next Scene → Coming soon.
Previously: Logan is locked out of the sense sync when Misty loses consciousness in the sparring ring, and desperately reaches out to her in a attempt to reconnect, despite Luke’s warnings. When Misty wakes up, excited to be pain free, she quickly realises it is because the balance has swung the other way, and now Logan is being overwhelmed by the Penance she should be feeling, sending her into a spiral of guilt.
It’s late. I have missed dinner. I couldn’t face Luke or Logan after what I did so I came back to the gym, to swim. No grav-control. I can feel now how it wasn’t truly a solution after all. It seems that Logan’s reaching, or maybe my reaching back, somehow evened out my regen. I don’t know if it’ll last, but I’m okay for now.
Maybe I don’t understand this connection quite as well as I thought I did. I wish Chrys was here. I don’t think I’ve ever missed her this much.
I am scared of the way I’ve been thinking. If Luke and Logan could just understand, it would be alright. If they just let me do what I need to do, I can get through this—figure out a way to be more than what James and Teag tried to turn me into. But for that to happen I’d have to… I can’t even think of it.
I surface, gasping for air. Memories of James assail me, memories of how easily he manipulated me, how much he broke in me. I drag myself from the pool and hide, dripping, in a corner until the tide recedes.
***
I trace the carved lines of Luke’s study door, exploring the way the artist captured the crows’ feathers with my fingertips. I try to ignore how their beady little eyes seem to watch me. Logan says the crows represent insight and cunning, but also transformation. Right now their stare feels more like judgement.
I’m being foolish. Luke won’t want to help me. I’ve already cost him too much—Tom, nearly Logan, again. Yet all this time he’s protected me, in his own way, and guided me, even when I didn’t deserve it. If I could just make him understand why I am the way I am…
I take a deep breath and rap my knuckles softly against the nearest crow’s chest, heart racing. As I wait, I draw on my connection with Logan, trying to find the right words.
When Luke opens the door, the impatience in his expression makes my stomach drop. I fidget under his scrutiny, fingering the hem of my shirt, the storm of thoughts in my head pulling me back inward—the pain, the fear, the need to let it all go.
“Can you help me?” I whisper, pointing to my temple, then to him, hoping he understands what I can’t say.
His gaze sharpens with concern. He takes a step closer. “Are you sure? It won’t be easy.”
I nod, feeling the heat of tears threatening to spill. “I need you to know.”
“We could find another way.” He says after a pause.
“No.” I insist, meeting his gaze with determination. “It’s time. For the North Tower. Will you call Logan?”
* * *
Luke leads the way in silence, allowing me time to think, or lost in thought himself. But thinking time is the last thing I need right now. My feet feel like they each weigh a ton, but my mind feels light, almost hollow. It’s only willpower that keeps my feet lifting, moving, planting, one in front of the other towards that little used staircase at the rear of the manor.
I try not to think about how vulnerable and helpless I felt when Logan carried me up these steps. I was so scared then, I’m even more terrified as I ascend, now, of my own volition. Choosing to go there, for this, feels right though. I have to face what happened in this place, just as much as I have to face the scars of my past in order to move forward. Nevertheless, the movement feels mechanical, like I’m observing from a distance. Luke’s steady pace is just a little faster than I’d like it to be, and at the same time it seems to take forever.
I watch him to keep myself moving. I can see the tension in his posture, his breath that’s a little shallow, his tightly closed hands, but there’s a confidence in his step that mine lacks. My heart races, and goosebumps rise on my skin. The air is thick with memories. I feel them, like the grav-control pressing down on my chest. I push the sensation away, push all sensations away. I have to.
We reach the landing and Luke opens the hidden doorway with a touch. I hover at the threshold. Luke glances at me as he takes his position at the head of the table, looking a little sad. I step inside, my movements stiff and automatic.
When Logan arrives, Luke starts explaining. I don’t look back at them. If I let myself notice Logan’s presence right now, the fragile detachment I’ve built will shatter under the weight of what happened the last time we were here. I have to stay distant, keep moving, and put the thought of being tied down out of my head. I’m in control now. I focus on one thing at a time, one breath, one movement, breaking each step into tiny pieces to keep from falling apart. Anything more than that and I feel like I’ll run away screaming.
I force my body to follow Luke’s instructions. He says he’ll make it so Logan can see too. He says they will follow my lead.
“Close your eyes now,” Luke says, and I obey.
We begin at the beginning.
* * *
“Come on, Jen, Kay! It’s time for the next batch,” Mommy called through the square kitchen window, and we both ran inside, leaving Father to tend the flowers. Kayten got there first and grabbed the plate, just as Mommy took the tray of cookies out of the oven. They smelled like nuts and sugar, the edges just the tiniest bit brown.
“Hot, hot, hot, girls! Give me a minute,” Mommy warned. I pulled my hand back just before touching the nearest one. She hummed while she lifted each gooey cookie off the baking sheet and slid them onto the plate in Kayten’s hands. I wished I was big enough to hold it steady like that.
“Now the dough, huh?” Mommy said, pointing to the bowl on the table. I ran over and tried to stir it with the big spoon. Blops blopped out onto the floor. Mommy and Kay both laughed. It was funny.
Just then Father came rushing in with a worried look. He said, “They’re here.”
That’s when everything changed. Mommy’s face went all serious, and she turned off the oven. She told Kayten to go upstairs. I wanted to know why.
“But Mommy, the cookies aren’t done yet!” I whined, watching Kay go. Mommy didn’t smile. “Go in the living room with Father,” she said, “Do whatever the man tells you.” She had that look that meant she’d be upset if I disobeyed. I didn’t want to go. I hid by Father’s legs.
There were soldiers at the door. Mommy started to open it, and they just pushed her out of the way without even saying hello. One, two, three, four of them. Their big boots made a noise as they walked.
Then another man came. He looked different from the others. He was shorter, his shoulders slouched, and he walked with his hands in his pockets. His long hair looked dirty, and he had a little bit of beard. I thought I saw his eyes flash when he looked at me, like the sky before a storm. It made me shiver as if I was cold.
“Hello there, Jenina,” he said, pretending to smile. I could tell because his eyes didn’t smile with his mouth. “I’m James. Can you come over here?”
I knew I had to listen, but I didn’t want to. The James man scared me. He pointed to the couch. Father pushed me forward, so I climbed up onto the pretty crochet cover that Gramma made before she died, and looked at my fingers poked in the little holes. The colors made me feel a little better.
The James man started talking then. He talked a lot. His voice was funny. It made my head feel funny, especially when I looked at him. I tried not to look, but it was as if he was making me look at him. He asked about the forms we practiced every morning in the garden. Father said I wasn’t supposed to do forms yet, that he only let me because it made my body not hurt so bad. I didn’t want to tell him, but I couldn’t stop myself. It was like the words were in my mouth before I could stop them.
Then James asked about the accident. No matter how hard I tried not to think about it, it kept popping into my head.
Father was trying to teach Kayten to use her energy because she had to go to school next cycle. He said it was normal that Kay was struggling, so I shouldn’t laugh.
I only tried it once. It wasn’t supposed to work. I didn’t know the energy would be so hot. I shook my hands and it went right through the wall. Father said I shouldn’t have looked, but I heard the screams and I had to see.
I wanted to forget how the boy’s body looked, all burned up and bending the wrong way. I didn’t want to remember how his mommy cried when the medic put him in the healing tank.
“It wasn’t my fault! It was an accident,” I cried. “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Please! I don’t want to do this anymore! I’m too little to go to school!”
“Hey, hey! Shh,” he said, and all of a sudden my mouth closed and wouldn’t open again. I wanted to tell him that I couldn’t leave Father and Mommy. I wanted to say how Kayten wasn’t as strong as me, and I needed to be here to protect her. But my mouth stayed closed.
“Don’t worry about that right now,” he said, smiling that pretend smile again. “Look, you’re upsetting Mommy. You don’t want to make Mommy cry now, do you?”
I looked at Mommy. She looked very pale. I stopped trying to talk.
“Now, don’t be scared. Just think about Mommy, okay? It’ll be alright,” he said, looking into my eyes. His eyes were the color of water. A stormy blue.
I nodded, and he put his cold hands on my head, messing up my hair. He held on tight for a long time. It felt like he was pressing, squeezing my brain until it hurt. I wanted him to stop. I tried to pull away, but my arms and legs felt stuck, like they weren’t mine anymore. I thought about Mommy.
He kept pushing, harder and harder. I felt him inside my head, like his fingers had gone through my bones. I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth together to try to keep from crying, but it didn’t help. Tears fell anyway. It hurt. It hurt worse than my body hurt before I’d done my forms.
Time went all fuzzy. It felt like I was floating. Everything felt so far away, like it didn’t matter anymore. The only thing that mattered was the James man’s eyes. They stayed there, looking into my head, seeing everything I’d ever done.
Finally, it stopped. I was cold, lying down in the dark. My head still felt fuzzy, like something was different. Even before I opened my eyes I could feel the hum of the shuttle’s engine, reminding me how far I was from home, that Mommy and Father were gone now and there was no one left to protect me.
He was there, though, watching. Everything would be different now.
Next Time: Logan gets an urgent message from Luke to meet him and Misty in the north tower. What happens there, shocks Logan to his core, and Luke has to decide how he feels about Misty letting him inside her head at last.
Thanks so much for reading! If you like, please:
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and as always, I love hearing what you think so, feel free to:
I dunno, lady, none of this ever seemed flat to me as a reader of this story, but maybe that's because I'm too proud of how far you've come in your journey to look at any of it with a critical eye. This latest release actually helped me understand things better, nothing about flat in this one. :)
As David said, absolutely nothing flat here Jenny! You are walking us right toward that big reveal that we have been hoping for, teasing a bit still. The tension is rising...I've got that thundering heart feeling, excited for the door to open, yet frightened to see the full horror that is hidden there! We have glimpsed bits of it along the way, but I've learned that you, as author of this tale, are not above shaking our world in ways we don't see coming! So color me ready, but trepidatious for how it will impact these beloved (mostly, lol) characters!